Unless you have been living under a rock for the last year, the chances are you will have heard about the infamous book and now movie “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
The book was as you can probably imagine written by a woman, 52 year old E. L. James from the UK. With some of the fantasies and the way the book is written, it is pretty obvious it has a female author.
In this post, thanks to Twitter user , we are able to see how the book may have read if it were written by a man.
1.
At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I’d seen.
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 7, 2013
2.
Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) November 26, 2012
3.
‘How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?’ she asked. ‘Fine,’ I said, ‘But I can’t see how we’re going to fit a Scalextric in here.’
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) February 8, 2014
4.
Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should’ve told her about the new electric fence. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 15, 2014
5.
As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . ‘Clean up on aisle 3.’
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 15, 2014
6.
‘Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?’ she asked. I nodded nervously. ‘OK’ she said and ate half my chips. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 5, 2014
7.
Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) March 23, 2014
8.
‘Hurt me!’ she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. ‘OK,’ I replied, ‘Your turkey’s too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.’ — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) December 14, 2013
9.
She leant over the kitchen table. ‘Smack that bottom,’ she squealed, ‘Smack it hard!’ ‘I am,’ I said, ‘But the ketchup just won’t come out.’
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) November 24, 2013
10.
She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 24, 2013
11.
They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn’t do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 18, 2014
‘I’m your slave,’ she said breathlessly, ‘Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.’ So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub. 12. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 29, 2013
13.
Her body trembled and shook.’I can’t wait any longer, do it now!’ she cried. ‘OK,’ I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 4, 2013
14.
‘Harder!’ she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, ‘Harder!’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?’ — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 21, 2013
15.
‘Hurt me!’ she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. ‘Alright,’ I said. ‘You’re a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.’
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 11, 2013
16.
‘Stick it right up there,’ she said, ‘I want to remember this!’ I did, then I patted it firmly. You can’t be too careful with Post-it notes. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 1, 2013
17.
My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 21, 2012
18.
‘I’m a bad girl,’ she whispered, ‘Punish me in a way only a real man can!’ ‘Alright,’ I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) March 14, 2014
19.
‘I want it now against this wall!’ she ordered, ‘And keep it up as long as possible.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘I know how to put up a shelf.’
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 8, 2012
20.
As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said ‘I want to see your hardness.’ ‘Alright,’ I replied, and punched the waiter. — Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 20, 2013